Still no news from Hot FB Guy, but I don't care because F and I are going on holiday to Morocco tomorrow. We both have this vision of us floating around the souk wearing 'Sex and the City 2' inspired outfits, swimming in a turquoise pool and sipping cocktails at a trendy club. I suspect the reality will be very different. My holidays with F are always brilliant but consist of at least one totally unexpected episode, for example, the food poisoning incident in Cuba, the crazy night with two Italian men we met in a club in Abruzzo, and large mosquito bites that turn bad.
That's the thing about holidays – the expectation is almost as good as the real thing. Just pick up any glossy women's magazine and the front cover at this time of year will consist of tips on How To Get Ready For Your Summer Holiday. Some of the suggestions inside are more expensive than the holiday itself, ridiculous and downright dangerous (some of the more extreme diets to get you 'bikini ready' for example).
Going on holiday has become a ritual in itself, involving many hours of angst (bikini shopping) pain (bikini waxing) and expense (all of it). This year, I have resisted the urge to spend hundreds of pounds on holiday gear -I have a perfectly good summer wardrobe already! Who am I kidding? I already know I'm going to spend about half of last month's salary on cute sparkly things in 'Accessorize' at the airport but never mind....
Holiday mania grips us, making us descend into a sort of frenzy, forcing us to go out and buy a myriad of mini toiletries, every glossy magazine in the newsagent and three new lip glosses (to go with the new outfits we've just bought). And then there's the anxiety caused by the fact that one will have to show one's pasty white British body off in the company of people who are tanned,slim and chic. People who don't buy Primark.
One year, desperation at the thought of wearing a bikini on holiday drove me to embark on the Slimfast Plan. I lasted two hours before I caved in – I was just too hungry and the shake that I was supposed to have eaten for lunch just hadn't cut the mustard. I went from being determined to lose two stone in a week to gulping down a sausage baguette in literally three seconds. Diets don't work for me. Especially when I know that I've got two days to get rid of that pot belly I've been cultivating all year.
I'm sure that the anxiety I'm feeling is caused wholly by the aforementioned glossies that I read. The articles on how to look nice on holiday are usually bordering on the ridiculous. For example, every summer there is a huge article about what make up to wear on the beach. Coral lipstick and gold eye shadow usually feature heavily. Now this is just downright ridiculous – who wears heavy make up in 35 degree heat? No one I know, that's for sure. There's always a double page spread of a very thin model, oiled up, wearing on of those cut away swim suits and lots of gold jewellery. To me that spells problems. Who wants a sun tan that looks like they fell asleep under a pair of Granny's net curtains? Not me.
Instead of this fantasy, I wish someone would publish a no-nonsense guide to real life holidays. Something entitled 'How to lose half a stone by next week on the biscuit diet 'or 'How to look glamorous on your staycation in Torquay when its fucking freezing and your legs have turned purple.' If I was to publish a ten point holiday guide for every girl in the UK which gave honest advice it would go like this; not that I think I'm an authority or anything...
1) Invest in beachwear that fits you properly. 32Es, a string bikini you've borrowed from your sister and water jets in the pool is a disaster waiting to happen. Believe me.
2) Wear sun cream – religiously. Apart from the threat of skin cancer which is nasty enough, sun burn screams 'I'm British and I got too excited and momentarily lost my brain this afternoon when I tried to fry myself by the pool using only olive oil as an spf.' Really sad. Foundation doesn't cover sun burn by the way. It just makes you look like a badly made-up drag queen.
3)Avoid fabrics like viscose, polyester and the like. Scratchy, common and give you baaad sweat marks. You might also end up looking like you fallen into the reject basket at Primark. Not a good look. However, come to think of it, these fabrics are probably easier to wipe the sick off when you've had one too many cocktails.
4) When packing consider if you're really really going to wear everything in your case. That ball gown may not be right for Ayia Napa.
5)If something looks or smells dodgy, trust your instincts and don't eat it. Having a non solid poo situation can ruin a romantic moment when you meet that hot local guy. I had a situation last year in Turkey that involved being in a dinghy with the hot man from the hotel jewellery shop and really bad diarrhoea. He was looking into my eyes, I was wondering if I could manage to not poo on his leg. Not fun.
6) And speaking of local men, have fun. But don't be stupid. You know what I mean. Bear in mind that they may do this kind of thing with British tourists all the time. (I've done it btw, many times!) Going off on a tangent a little bit here, it scares and shocks me that many of my friends admit to having unprotected sex with men they've met on holiday. You might as well put your hand up and make a request for chlamydia, a warty fanny or worse.
7) Only go on holiday with someone that you get on with really well. At some point during the holiday you're both probably going to be tired, hungover and grouchy. Tempers will become frayed and you'll both need to deal with it. I once spent a weekend with some casual acquaintances on the Isle of Wight who were, I realised after a day in their company, addicted to playing on their I-Phones. Annoying. To be honest though, it was the Isle of Wight in February. It wasn't like there was that much else to do. After three days there I would have been happy to play on an an I-Phone all day and I'm a technophobe...
8) Take a nap at around 4 pm every day. You will need to be fresh for all that crazy partying that you're going to do. Don't forget to have as much fun as possible - on holiday it is permissible to do things you wouldn't at home. Can you see yourself dancing on the table, holding an extra large Martini and lemonade back in All Bar One? Thought not.
9) Be a classy traveller – learn about the culture and a few phrases and if it's a Muslim country cover up a bit when you go out. Be polite and courteous to everyone you meet. Also, ending up in jail because you fancied some al fresco frolics on the beach with a man from Birmingham is a stupid situation that can easily be avoided.
10) Lastly, try to go somewhere where there are no other British people. Or at least not the kind who wear hankies on the heads and expect a full fried breakfast every morning. I've found that being able to speak Welsh comes in very handy in situations when you want to differentiate yourself from other Brits on holiday. It's also a good deterrent against being harassed by the kind of person who starts a sentence with 'Hey pretty ladies...' So if you know any obscure languages, use them!
Anyway, after imparting those (questionable) words of wisdom, I need to go. F and I are going for a Brazilian and then bikini shopping. I suspect I'm going to need to have some drinks to get over the trauma of seeing myself nearly naked in a full length shop mirror, cellulite and all. Wish me luck ladies.....
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