14, 599 Words

 

Since starting this blog, I have written 14,599 words. And I still haven't found a man to go out with. It will be interesting to see how many words I write before someone who isn't an emotionally unavailable screw up, an ex from ten years ago or someone who is just normal makes an appearance in my life. I have loads of men hovering around – Used to be Toxic Ex calls every few days (and calls me 'baby' – not sure how I feel about that) and I do usually have some interest from blokes when I go out of an evening. But nothing seems to be happening. If my life was a film, these men would have cameo roles. I'd like a leading man. Maybe for just a few weeks. Come to think of it, if my life was a film, it would be a lot more interesting. And I'd have better hair. And a bigger, loft style apartment in New York. Obviously Sandra Bullock would play me....

Last weekend at my cousin's friend's party, I got chatting to a lovely man but five minutes into the conversation, it became obvious that we had absolutely nothing in common. He seemed to be a nice guy, but I might as well have been talking in Swahili – by the bewildered expression on his face I deduced that he had no idea what I was talking about (I should never have started on about experimental theatre....always dangerous after a few cocktails....). Anyway, as I got up to leave, he said 'Well, I really like you and I would take your number but there's no point. You and me, we'd never work in the real world.' I nodded regretfully, knowing that he was right. He was really cute though....

It's so hard to find someone who you have stuff in common with. I've got a feeling that its going to take me at least 50,000 words. I've realised that I need someone creative, not necessarily in a creative job but someone who approaches life in a creative manner and has a weird off the wall sense of humour. Truly creative men are quite hard to find. That's why my relationship with Used to be Toxic Ex lasted so long – he was totally bonkers and dodgy in a creative way. I've been out with so many guys who were just dull as. To be fair, some of them probably thought that about me or more likely just didn't get what I was talking about at all, like the guy I met last weekend.

To be honest, I think the reason that I'm going through a bit of a dry spell is down to Hot FB guy. I still like him but he is, as ever, elusive. If he is interested, it's going to take him the equivalent of War and Peace to actually make a move. (460,000 words if you're interested, in the Russian version) I've got a long wait ahead. But it's been three months godammit!

But we really get on. We have banter...... proper laugh out loud funny conversations. I love spending time with him. As I said above, it's rare that I meet a guy who I find really interesting. He makes me laugh. I get him. And I fancy him so much that just looking at him gives me butterflies. I know I really like someone when I start to feel very insecure. It means I really want them to like me back. I feel like that now.

I've worked really hard to get over him over the last couple of weeks. Work has been crazy and I haven't had time to think, which has helped. I had even started wearing my glasses to school (!!!) so confident was I that nothing would ever happen between us and so it wasn't worth me making an effort. I'd toughened up and got on with things, resigning myself to the fact that it was never going to happen. Then he appeared in my room on Friday afternoon and announced that he is moving temporarily to my area and we should maybe get together sometime. Since then, I haven't been able to stop thinking about him. I know its ridiculous but I can't help it. Next I'll be exhibiting scary psycho type behaviour - boiling his bunny, putting prawns in his curtain rods and stalking him home wearing a blonde wig and sunglasses (proper real life stalking, not the cyber variety, I do that already). Needless to say, since Friday I've started wearing my lenses again and am back to hiding in my office, touching up my make up in case he happen to swing by my room. I've found that applying gloopy lip gloss and marking GCSE coursework are not two tasks that should ever be performed simultaneously.

If I was my best friend, I'd give myself a bloody good talking to. I know that I'm behaving like a love sick teenager but I can't stop. It's like I've been possessed by an all powerful, overwhelming, weird emotion that makes me behave like a crazy woman. It makes me want to break all The Rules. In fact, my flatmate told me to shut the f*** up last night because I've been talking about Hot FB Guy all weekend. I don't blame him.

But hang on.......I'm a thirty year old woman living in the twenty first century, not a Victorian spinster waiting for Mr Right to appear and ask for her hand in marriage. I hold down a demanding job and make my own life choices. I do The Rules and have an interesting, mysterious, chequered past. I've been out with lots of different guys, been married and divorced and come out of every failed relationship stronger. I've travelled loads and worked abroad. I am a strong, independent person (sometimes). Never mind that I have a silly little crush on someone. Well, maybe a big one...

Ok, I admit it. Never mind that I'm crazy about Hot FB Guy. Never mind that every time I see him my stomach jumps.  Never mind that I think about him all the time. I need to sort myself out and approach this situation rationally, in an intellectual manner and start behaving like an intelligent person, instead of a simpering 13 year old. I must be strong. Tomorrow I'm wearing my glasses to school. And no lipgloss.

15,983 words...