I've decided that I'm not writing about men any more. I've truly had enough of how rubbish they are. This decision has stemmed from a painful conversation with Hot FB Guy on Monday night which ended with me finally finding my self-respect and deleting him off my friend list. I have decided that once and for all I need to get him out of my system. I need a hetox. (Sorry, couldn't resist!)
Well, what to write about then? People have commented on the fact that I never write about work. That's because I don't have anything to say about it. It's a job. I don't consider it interesting enough to blog about....
So if I'm not writing about men or work what else is there?
Love. Empathy. Having fun.
Friendship. Now there's a worthy topic.
On Sunday, which was my 31st birthday, I truly realised how important my friends are to me. My friend J had arranged a lunch for me that day and I spent the afternoon with four of my closest friends, eating, drinking and laughing. We laughed so much.... and I returned home with that warm glow that you only get after spending time with your favourite girls.
I arrived into school on Monday to find my pigeon hole stuffed with beautifully wrapped gifts and cute cards with loads of love us and kisses on. How lucky I am. How lucky I am that my friends think so much of me. Friendship, I'm sure, is an essential ingredient for a long and happy life. In fact, I'm certain it's no coincidence that the periods when I have seen less of my friends (for example the three years I was married for) have been the most depressing of my life. At the moment, I tend to see my friends every weekend. They are the essential ingredient in my generally hectic life.
There's definitely a code for correct friend behaviour. I believe that being a good friend is a very serious responsibility. Being understanding and supportive is really important. I fully accept that a friend of mine might make tentative plans with her new boyfriend and that I am her plan B if it falls through. Not a problem. I've blown off a friend before because I had a hot date. (I don't mean on the day, it was a week beforehand, to do it less than a few days before and leaving her in the lurch at the last minute would have been unacceptable and very bad form) My friend was totally understanding about that. She understood that she would probably have done the same thing and made different plans accordingly. We rescheduled for the week after. Knowing your friends and their quirks is what makes for a good relationship. You need to accept them and love them in the same way that you accept and love a partner. You should admire and respect them as you do a partner. There also has to be chemistry. You have to spark off each other and make each other laugh.
However, the same kind of problems that can ruin a relationship can occasionally crop up in a friendship as well. Inattentiveness, being inconsiderate or being lazy can split up a friendship. Lack of effort is, for me, a deal breaker. One ex-friend of mine moved to America and then declined to make contact with me except for a round robin that told everyone how amazing she was. Delete. Same for the friend who didn't come to my wedding because she was helping her boyfriend move house. Deleted her soon after. Sometimes we do put up with shoddy behaviour from our friends. We're used to being shafted by blokes (in the metaphorical sense) but find it hard to accept that women are capable of it as well. On the few occasions that I've been let down by a female friend (and there really hasn't been many)I have been so much more upset than after being let down by a bloke. I've come to realise that making an effort with those people who are worth it and keeping in touch with your true friends is absolutely essential.
I have so many good friends. Take my friend F. She has such a good sense of humour that she keeps me in constant hysterics. She can have an in depth conversation about poo, orgasms or whatever without flinching. She gives good talk. I've survived two months in Cuba and one horrendous bout of food poisoning with her. Try spending a week cooped up in a hotel room, vomiting at regular intervals with only one other person and VH1 for company (I'm sure we watched 'TLC Behind the Music' at least 50 times – I still can't hear 'Waterfalls' without wanting to chew my own arm off) When you've seen someone use the bidet and toilet simultaneously whilst groaning in agony I think it's safe to say that there can no longer be any secrets between you. If you still want to hang out with that person once you're better, then it's true (friend) love. Like F and I.
F also buys fab presents. She thinks so hard about what I would like or what I need. That's the mark of a true friend. For her part, she told me last time I saw her that she has has divided her friends into two categories – the 'safe' friends and the friends that she knows she will get into trouble with. I, I am pleased to say, fall into the latter category. I really think that's the biggest compliment anyone has ever paid me.
Friendship can create such joy. I can vividly remember standing on a beach on a balmy night in Turkey, ankle deep in the warm water with my friend J. I remember hugging her so hard and thinking this was the most perfect moment. J and I being on holiday together (and the prospect of a whole week filled with all you can eat and drink) filled me with supreme happiness. J is also great in that I treat her house like my house. She lives in town and so when we go on a night out, it's a given that I'll be staying there. I'm as comfy in her bed as I am in my own, happy to be snuggled up next to her.
My friend N took me in when I called her crying after my ex-husband had thrown me out. I had a car full of stuff and literally nowhere to go. She picked me up off her doorstep, plied me with wine and told me how stupid he was and how he didn't deserve me. I actually ended up having a kind of mini holiday at her house. She turned a hideous period in my life into something bearable. My friend M came straight round when she heard what had happened and gave me the longest hug. Without them, I would have been lost.
I believe that it's significant that my longest ever relationship only lasted five years, but my longest friendship started when I was a toddler and is still going strong. I also have two close friends who were in my class at secondary school. They know all my deepest, darkest secrets and we have a shared history. They knew me when I had NHS style glasses and bad acne. We supported each other through adolescence and we survived five years of school together. I can click back into conversation with them and we can chat as if six weeks or six months or whatever haven't gone by since we last spoke.
So, at the risk of sounding cheesy, pick up your phone and call a friend – someone who you love but maybe haven't spoken to for a while for whatever reason. Don't let your friendship slip away. Put some effort in. Because one day you will need her more than anything. And she'll be there.
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