Who Knew?

I'm happy.

What? Surely not....

Something pretty amazing has happened, something that I really didn't anticipate. Last week, I had an epiphany of the kind that doesn't really happen very often. Well, they don't happen to me much anyway. Not in my hectic, muddled, confused existence where, as you know, I pretty much seem to lurch from one disaster to another, stumbling in heels that are uncomfortable and more suited to someone who possesses natural grace and self-assurance.

My epiphany was like being whacked in the face with a sledge hammer. Like someone shaking me really hard and telling me to wake up and get a grip. It was like a voice beaming down from the sky and telling me that actually, I'm crazy about The History Boy and have been for quite some time.

Last Friday, I was over spending the weekend at the Nice Romanian's house. Things were OK. He really tried every seduction technique known to man – wine, dinner, candles and all that. The History Boy had been away for the whole week travelling and I had been missing him in a way that surprised even me. I woke up on the Sunday morning and suddenly knew that I had to see him, then, that instant. Like it was a matter of life or death. I wanted to see him, hold him and.... kiss him? No, I thought, this can't be right. A perfectly nice man has just made you a Sunday morning omelette and coffee and all you can do is think about a boy who you're just friends with. A boy who, last week, you definitely did not even fancy.

One taxi ride later, and I was in his arms. We were cuddling on the sofa and as I raised my head to look at him, he kissed me, shyly, as if he thought I would pull away. It was like everything suddenly fell into place. I could almost hear myself sighing with contentment.

Hours later, as he held me in bed, we started laughing, unable to believe that something so momentous had been going on for so long and that we hadn't realised.

The History Boy has now been at my house for a week. No change there then. He's always at my house. But now his stuff is in my bathroom and his school shirt is hanging in my wardrobe. We did say that we would take it slow and give each other space. But I think I've had enough space to last me a lifetime. I feel like up until now all I've had is space, a lifetime of emptiness and confusion, mixed messages and misunderstanding. Now everything is crystal clear. A mere fortnight ago, I wrote that I didn't fancy The History Boy. Turns out that fancying someone doesn't have to be the same thing as being tortured by them. I've learnt that lesson this week.

But now I'm worried. I can't lose him. I'm really afraid that, in typical Siani style, I'm going to fuck everything up and then it will get ruined. That I will repeat the same behaviour that has ruined every relationship I've ever had. That I will be bossy, demanding, and demand impossibly high standards that no human being can possibly achieve. But at least I've now gained some self awareness as to how I've messed things up in the past. At least I know what I need to look out for now.

I want to say thank you to one of my followers 'You Mean There's More?' She very articulately suggested that I should give The History Boy a go. She was absolutely right.