Sorry I've been away for so long. Packing up one's life into a series of cardboard boxes is very time consuming. So is cancelling direct debits and saying good bye to all those people who have been part of your life for the last few years. Not to say emotionally draining, tedious and unbelievably exhausting.
On Friday, the last day of school, I attempted to draw a neat line under the past three years. I cleaned out the drama studio and said my goodbyes. After having lunch with workmates at the local pub, I walked back to school to get my car, only to be found sobbing hysterically by Roger the caretaker in the car park. I was crying because I had just had an emotional goodbye with my friends, but also because I knew that I'd never see Hot FB Guy again. I had just made the decision to leave the pub without saying goodbye to him, feeling that there was no good way to do it. I was afraid that if I wasn't careful, I would shatter the cool calm exterior that I've been so carefully cultivating for the past few months, start to blub hysterically and tell him the truth, which is that actually, I'm in love with him and have been since last October.
Turns out that it isn't that easy to draw a line. Turns out that cutting someone that important out of your life just doesn't work. I should have realised that when I deleted him from FB, only to spend a huge amount of time obsessing over him. A couple of hours later, whilst I was trying to work out how to get the entire contents of my house into my car boot, he texted saying that he hoped I was going out that night so he could say goodbye to me.
Of course I was.
Well, to cut a long story short, I didn't stay at J's as planned that night. We left the club together and sat in the taxi back to his, me in a fever of anticipation and almost not believing that finally, finally, something was going to happen. Back at his, we did stuff and said stuff that should have been done and said months ago. Not wanting to over share, I'll just say that I returned back to J's at ten the next morning with a huge smile on my face and last night's make up on. All I can say is we fitted. Perfectly. Waking up in the morning and realising that I was naked in bed with Hot FB Guy was a pretty awesome experience. Even better when he put his arms around me and held me really tightly like he didn't want to let me go.
Now I know what you cynical people are thinking. That because I'm leaving, he saw me as a sure thing. I'm not deluding myself and I'm sure that's part of it. But in a way, because I'm leaving, I've safe guarded myself against getting really hurt. It can't go anywhere for purely geographical reasons. And we're obviously not going to have a long distance relationship. To be honest, it was a brilliant way to end things. It would have been an even better way to start something, but hey, shit happens. I'm leaving in less than a month and I had one of the best nights of my life on Friday. I'm pretty sure that I'll remember it for … ever.
The only thing is, that he's ruined my plan to sever all ties with him. Before Friday, my feelings were manageable. I was going to leave without saying good bye and walk away without a backward glance (almost). But when you've spent the night with someone, they've seen you naked from pretty much every angle and stared into your eyes and stroked your hair and kissed you everywhere, well, that's a different story. And it was like that, by the way.
As he drove me back to J's, we talked about endings. When I commented on it being the end of an era, he told me not to put labels on things. He also asked me when I was actually going going. I know that I can't hope that I will see him again. Our goodbye (casual and brief) made me think that he didn't feel that it was properly over. But I can't let myself hope. I have to be tough, even though never seeing him again makes me want to cry and bash my head against the wall. I'm going to be really philosophical about this – I'm leaving and I'm sure that they will plenty of hot men in Bucharest. Men who aren't afraid to face their feelings and men who don't have an addiction to Facebook.
So, here's the line
It really is the end of an era.
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