Choose Life

In the next couple of weeks, I have to make a really big decision. I have to make the kind of choice that could have drastic consequences and change my life forever. As I am a typical Sagittarian who is flighty, indecisive and changeable, this decision is proving to be really tough.

Here in the UK I have a stable job, a lovely flat, fabulous friends and a fairly comfortable lifestyle (Well, by that I mean I can visit Primani with a clear conscience). But I'm still restless. In the first posting of this blog, I vowed that I would take this year to make myself happy. It's now the time of the year when teachers start looking for new jobs. I've applied for one in Dubai and am scouring the internet for others.

If I got this job, I would be moving to a country which is warmer and could offer a better lifestyle. I would work less hours, teach smaller classes and get paid more. But more importantly, I've come to realise lately that I'm working so hard my life is passing me by. I don't want to turn around in ten years time and realise that I'm forty and all I've done with my life is devoted it to other people's kids. (And done one helluva lot of paperwork... whoopee!)

My Dad recently asked me where I see myself in five years time. The problem is, I don't know. I really don't know what I want. There isn't really anything to keep me here, in the sense of  not having kids (not biological ones anyway) or any responsibilities that I can't walk away from. I could quite easily go abroad. This country is expensive, cold, and stressful. Teachers' pensions are being cut and the cost of living is soaring.

I regularly work a twelve hour day and then spend an hour lying on the sofa watching rubbish TV before falling into bed exhausted. I keep wondering if this is all there is down for me – working a 50 plus hour week and then working all day on a Sunday marking coursework doesn't seem right. I really don't want to moan and rant about how crap my life is but the hours I'm working at the moment do seem a bit excessive. On the rare nights I'm not working, I'm too tired to make the most of the time I have. My job, I'm sure, is a direct contributor to the fact that I haven't met any nice men for ages. At the moment, I feel like my life has come to a standstill, a full stop. I don't like being stationary, running all day but not getting anywhere except exhausted.

And yet I've worked really hard to put down roots in this area. I like the fact that I've built such strong relationships with the students at my school and the other staff that I work with. I live in a really beautiful part of the country and own a lovely flat. I suppose I've just come to realise that having a successful and frantically busy career comes at a cost to one's personal life, health and general well-being.

I am afraid of all the things I'll miss if I go abroad.  However, I remember a conversation I had with my friend S whilst living in Oman. She was listing all the things she missed about the UK. She mentioned crisp Autumn mornings, crunching through fallen leaves and cosy country pubs. Then she paused and said 'But I've just realised that I hate the cold, rarely walk through fallen leaves and don't go to the pub that much either.' The ideas of the UK that she was holding in her mind was fantasy, not real. It was an idealized view of the life she had left behind.

I have been considering just quitting my job and then seeing what happens. I could rent my flat out, do a TEFL course and go travelling. The idea is tempting. I can see myself mincing around on a beach somewhere, or doing a Julia Roberts in 'Eat Pray Love' and cycling along a road that runs through a paddy field, wearing a white trouser suit and looking radiant. The problem is though, that real life isn't like that. In real life, I'd probably be covered in humongous mosquito bites and looking all sweaty. Knowing me, I'd probably be cycling fast to the nearest toilet after partaking too enthusiastically of the local cuisine.

I'm hoping that something will happen soon. Something will happen to give me a sign of what I should do. Someone will offer me some pearls of wisdom about the meaning of life and all that. If only a fairy god mother would descend from the sky, wave a magic wand and make the decision for me.

So, where do you see yourself in five years time? What picture do you have in your mind? In my picture, although I can't say exactly where I am, I'm definitely not lying on the sofa, reading Star magazine and watching Gok's Fashion Fix. There's got to be more to life than that......hasn't there?