No Going Back

Finally I'm over hot Facebook guy. I've accepted that it's never going to happen and I'm sick of him being so flaky. Will he message me, or won't he.... the suspense! Well, I don't care any more. Am so over it. Granted he is in a tough situation, but I don't have time to wait for him to get his head together. And a few days of girly catch up with F in the city last week gave me time to get some perspective on the situation.

Actually, I'm lying. That first paragraph makes me sound far too virtuous and together. To be honest, I have something else to think about now. Something that has provided a welcome distraction. Namely an ex of mine that I ran into at salsa. I was caught completely off guard, thinking of nothing in particular, surveying the dance floor, and then he was suddenly standing in front of me looking, I have to say, really hot. Hugging him, I noticed that he felt and smelt exactly the same. We spent all night chatting and dancing. Since then I've been feeling very weird.

This ex is (was?) bad news. When I was with him ten years ago, he was the definition of toxic. He screwed me up so completely that after two years of being with him, I was a wreck. We have such heavy duty history that I get extremely emotional every time I even think about him. When I saw him last Wednesday, he did apologize for his behaviour and spoke of the regret that he feels now about the way that he treated me. But I'm sure that he's still opinionated, possessive, hot tempered and stubborn. He's probably also still passionate, generous, loving, ambitious, and strong – some of these qualities I have not found in a man since, and our relationship finished nearly a decade ago....

I've changed as well. Me at 30 is so different to how I was at 20. I know that he treated me really badly. But I'm sure that I did my share of screwing us both up. The last time I saw him, he was crying uncontrollably because I had decided to end it. At the time, I was a party girl who went out every night and would call him dead drunk after spending the night out with my friends and a group of Italian hotties (I was living in Florence all the time). As a Muslim, that must have been quite hard for him.

Writing this, I've realised how screwed up we were together. But I have a feeling that he might be interested again. He sent me a lovely message on Facebook, something about my eyes and smile taking his breath away. And then messaged me his number. As a Rules girl, I'm not going to call him. However, I feel a weird sense of destiny, like I'm being slowly drawn towards him, like a magnet. The question that I'm pondering is 'Is it possible to go back...?'

A poll of my closest friends has produced a mixed response. My flatmate's friend is currently engaged to her childhood sweetheart who she met again after twenty years at the funeral of a mutual friend. My friend N has warned me of the possible consequences, saying that no good can ever come of going back. Suprisingly, F, who couldn't stand the sight of him last time, is quite positive about the situation, commenting on how together he seemed. (He was working at Starbuck's ten years ago but is now doing an MA)

Could I? Should I? Probably not. Maybe the past should stay in the past. Carrie and Big managed it though. Unfortunately, I also have a superstitious and slightly stupid belief that everything happens for a reason. And it's definitely not going to happen unless he contacts me again. But something tells me he will.

What I really need to do to take my mind off him is to find someone else to flirt with/fancy, preferably someone I don't work with this time. I've learnt this lesson from my flirtation with Hot FB guy. He has an annoying habit of appearing at the worst possible moment - when I am wrestling sweatily with the photocopier five minutes before a lesson or running to get a cup of tea from the staff room at break time, cramming a cereal bar (sideways) into my mouth. It's made it harder for me to forget about him as he keeps popping up everywhere.

Right. That's what I'll do. Find someone new. Or not. I must remember that there is nothing wrong with being single. I wonder - if I was in a happy relationship at the moment, would I still be thinking the ex? Probably not. That says it all really, doesn't it?