The Fear

Fear. It's a fundamental part of being a human being and forms a huge part of our daily lives. After all, without fear to keep us in line, we wouldn't think of the consequences of our actions. Fear can be a good thing, in that it keeps us safe. But fear can also be crippling, inhibiting and restrictive. Sometimes we are afraid of things that we really shouldn't be. If we could get rid of some of this unnecessary fear, wouldn't our lives just be a lot simpler?

Fear can take so many forms. Many of the fears that we have are unfounded. I know that many of my fears are of my own invention, rather than being based on anything sound. For example, when I was in secondary school, I had an irrational fear of eating in public. So I stopped. I used to eat nothing all day and then, when I got home, devour the contents of the pantry. What was I so afraid of?

My friend L is currently splitting up with her boyfriend of ten years. He initiated the split, not her, but is now dragging his feet and not allowing her to move on with her life. They're still living together. If it was me, I would have told him to leave a long time ago but she has the fear of being alone and being without him. If she could face that fear head on, then she could move on, but instead she is caught, frozen between the past and the present, crying herself to sleep every night in the spare room. I know that my personal fear at this stage in my life is that every relationship I ever have will go horribly wrong and I'll get hurt more than I did the last time. However, that is a fear that I usually manage – if I didn't I'd be a hermit who was too afraid to have any interaction with men.

Anyway, I got on to thinking about fear because hot FB guy (as mentioned in previous posts) came over on Friday night. Cue more confusion and mixed messages. I know I said I was over him but now I like him again. Just when I'd begun to forget about him (thanks to the ex) and get on with stuff, he texted and asked to come over. Actually, that's not true. It took an hour and a half of cryptic text banter (twelve messages to be precise) and some gentle prodding and hinting from me before he asked if he could come over.

Previously that evening I had been lying on the sofa, Friday night stylee in a pair of trackies, with greasy hair and no make up. I was actually feeling a bit sorry for myself, in the way that you sometimes do when you're watching 'Traffic Cops' on your own. I had convinced myself that a) everyone else was either on an amazing night out to which they'd forgotten to invite me or b) everyone else was with their other halves feeding each other oysters in a romantic restaurant. So when the text (s) came, it was just at the right time.

I then performed the biggest ever make over in history – showered, washed and dried hair, put on nice underwear, swapped trackies for jeans, touched up toe nail polish, covered up spots. He arrived, we flirted/chatted politely and he left at one in the morning, leaving me wondering... what am I doing wrong? We were sitting on my sofa, my feet in his lap, chatting easily for three hours straight, then he got up and left. ?????? Strange. I was too afraid to come out and state the obvious... but why should I have to? It was almost like instead of saying what we both wanted to say, we were looking at each other across a wide chasm of weird emotion. After he left I got into bed and lay turning the evening over and over in my mind. Did I do something wrong? There was wine, low lighting, music, and overt flirtation so what happened?

'The Rules' would suggest never to be the one making the first move so I'm not going to. I need to protect myself because the last time I asked him straight out what he wanted I got rejected (see 'The Undo Button'). I can't risk that again. Am a bit annoyed that my matching undies never got an airing as well.

My flatmate B has suggested that he is afraid. Of what exactly? Am I really that scary? My cynical side says again 'He's just not that into me...'. But then why would he come round if not for a booty call? Answers on a postcard please....

Maybe I'm just so cynical and battle-hardened that I think men are all just after sex and if they don't jump on you straight away then there must be something wrong with them. Maybe he really wants to 'get to know me?' But I've been 'getting to know him' (if rather sporadically) for the past two months. Maybe he wants to do things the old fashioned way and spend six months in polite (ish) conversation? I don't know if I can cope with that. Personally, I think there's too much thinking going on and not enough action...

Now it's Sunday and there has been no contact since he left on Friday. Nothing. And I have a feeling that it will be another month until I see him properly again. Part of me wants to delete him from my FB page and tell him not to contact me any more, just so I can stop thinking about him. Now he has my number there is another way that he could contact me. I'll now be obsessively checking my phone as well as my FB page.

If he is afraid, I wish he would just forget this fear. I wish he'd just get over any issues that he's having. I wish things weren't so complicated and that as humans we could shake off our emotional baggage and mental hang ups and bravely just tell each other how we feel. I wish we could just be straight with each other. Sod 'The Rules' and playing the game. But I'm too afraid to relinquish that control. Maybe the reason there has been so much FB chat/flirt action is because it's a safer form of communication. Maybe me sitting next to him on the sofa smiling invitingly is too real, too immediate, to scary?

I've just realised how many question marks there are in this post. Sorry about that... it's just a reflection on my state of mind. All I've been thinking since Friday night is ???????????????????????????????