Fatal Flaws

'Yesterday' are running the whole series of Pride and Prejudice today. Its just been the episode where Lizzie Bennett sees Mr Darcy's house for the first time and realises that actually, she just might fancy him. I'm so jealous of Lizzie Bennett – because I know that in two hours that she is going to get herself a rich, sexy husband who owns a massive estate. I'm pretty sure than Mr Darcy would be dynamite in bed too. Although we don't know what happened afterwards – maybe he has various unsavoury habits – maybe he leaves the toilet seat up, or leaves wet towels on the floor, eats with his mouth open or picks his nose? Maybe he keeps his socks on? We already know that he is proud and somewhat stand-offish on occasion but then I've always been a sucker for a strong, silent type.

That's the thing – you never know what his fatal flaw is. Every single guy I've ever been with turned out to have a massive problem of some kind. That makes me sound really picky – I'm actually quite tolerant of minor flaws such as those listed above. Everybody has faults after all. Being tolerant of the other person's issues is what being in a mature relationship is all about.

So what is the deal breaker in a relationship? One guy I went out with last spring booked a romantic weekend away for the two of us, and then on the third night proceeded to inform me over dinner that actually, he didn't like me very much, that he found me stubborn, opinionated, and narrow minded. I'd just thought we'd had a couple of lively debates that I'd quite enjoyed. It didn't bother me that we didn't agree on everything, however he couldn't cope with it. Maybe it wasn't me that was narrow minded?

That incident was particularly disappointing because I'd really thought he was a good one. He was the first guy I'd been out with since I'd got divorced and I really liked him. I'd noticed his annoying habits such as singing tunelessly under his breath and not considered them to be serious. However, the fact that I had my own opinions on, well, everything, was his deal breaker. He obviously didn't want a woman who answered back.

If you're with someone who has a huge fatal flaw, what do you do? By 'huge fatal flaw' I mean something really serious, for example, an alcohol problem, a tendency to cheat or be violent, to be chronically unreliable or inconsiderate. Women are notorious for taking useless men and 'training' them. Taking on that role can be problematic however, and, as I have found out to my cost on a few occasions, this can lead to resentment on both sides. And why should we have to anyway?

I'm so cynical. Every time I meet a guy, I just look at him and wonder what his fatal flaw is. What is it about him that will make him, at the end of the day, a disappointment? What is he hiding under that veneer of normality?

After all, most people are just projecting an impression of confidence and capability. Most people I know have a host of insecurities that only surface once they allow themselves to become comfortable in a relationship. That's usually when the problems begin. One guy I had a very serious relationship with turned out to be fighting a losing battle with alcohol. He had managed to hide it for two years but eventually I just got sick of the secrecy and the way he treated me when he was drunk. By the end of the relationship, I had been forced into taking the role of his mother, picking up after him and sorting out all his mistakes. He did inform me at one point that I behaved like his mother but actually, he got on better with her than he did with me! Nice.

Another was a compulsive liar and had neglected to mention that he was in fact married (for immigration purposes but still!) The list goes on. And before I descend into an 'all men are pricks' rant why is it that so many of them seem to be hiding something? Hot FB guy (him from last Friday night) projects and air of absolute confidence, but his problem seems to be that he is totally indecisive, chronically shy and unable to make the first move. Not sure that this is actually as bad as a fatal flaw, but it's definitely annoying.

Mr Darcy doesn't seem perfect when he is first introduced to us as a character in the Assembly Rooms at Meryton. In fact, Jane Austen portrays him as totally obnoxious. It's only later on in the book when we realise he is actually the good guy. Many films and books start like this, with the two main characters hating each other and then realising that, actually, they're soul mates.

Take 'When Harry met Sally'. At the beginning of the film, she finds him totally repellent, but after a couple of chance encounters, begins to care about him. Ten years of frienship later, at the end of the film, he  makes a speech (see below) in which he lists all the things he loves about her. The speech is all the more poignant because some of the things listed could be considered, by an outsider to be quite annoying.  He cites her faults as reasons why he wants to be with her. Now that's sweet.

I suppose that with these two (fictional) relationships, each character's faults were instantly visible and therefore there was no disappointment later on. This to me seems far preferable to thinking that a person is perfect at the beginning of the relationship and then realising that he is in fact a misogynistic egotist two months in. There's definitely something to be said for being friends with someone first (and being a character in a Jane Austen novel).

I truly believe that if a guy has one of the problems above, it's better to simply walk away and leave him to it. As I've got older, I have become less I'm willing to put up with somebody who treats me badly or who has major issues. There is enough unhappiness in life, without inflicting more on yourself. That's probably why I'm still single. But having seen so many people in truly bad relationships, I figure that I'm happier like this until I meet a man who will treat me as I deserve.

I'm holding out for a Mr Darcy. Or a speech like this...

"I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

I'm hopeful.