The Rules

I visited my cousin last weekend and on the Friday night, we went for dinner. Whilst waiting for our food to arrive, we chatted about relationships and I filled him in on Hot FB guy and the situation with my used to be toxic ex-boyfriend. “Well” he said “Seems like you've got a lot of interest”.

Well, not really. In fact none at all. There seem to be lots of men in my life, but none actually making a move. (Actually, tomorrow night my friend S is setting me up with a friend of her husband's, watch this space....) But over the past two weeks, since Hot FB guy told me he wasn't interested, things have been pretty damn quiet. In the absence of any hot male action to write about, I have decided to elaborate on a subject close to my heart - 'The Rules'.

What are 'The Rules'? They are a code for dating that have been made into a book (authors Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider) and, in my opinion, all women should read them. My lovely friend F introduced me to this useful publication and I'm really very grateful. Basically the gist of it is that the woman should never make the first move, initiate contact with a guy, or call him. This way you don't waste time on guys who aren't really into you. They have to do all the running. And if they aren't interested, they won't. If they don't, then you say 'Next!' and move on. The bit I really like is that you should make yourself seem really busy and unattainable, that you have this fabulous life even if you're at home watching X-Factor on a Saturday night (see previous post). I'm all for manipulation and misleading men to get what you want. Why not? We should use every tool at our disposal.

I'm still single. 'The Rules' haven't magically made me meet my perfect guy (I don't know if he exists anyway). They have made me change my behaviour around men though. If I had chased Hot FB guy then I could have ended up looking really stupid. I didn't initiate anything with him and so when he backed off I was able to pretend it didn't matter. In private and on this blog, I obsessed over him. But on the surface, I acted cool. I'm so glad now that I did.

'The Rules' may seem a bit prescriptive, but they help me feel in control. Chasing a guy can leave you open to rejection. And that's when you end up feeling really crap about yourself. I know that although I did protect myself to some extent by never initiating anything with Hot FB guy, I could have saved myself a lot of time by not responding to his cheeky messages on FB.

I think that although 'The Rules' are old fashioned (the words 'disco' and 'bell bottoms' do make an appearance in the book), the main ideas are still applicable to this day and age. It can just be so confusing sometimes. In my opinion, we need a new version that covers text and FB. Technology has evolved to such a degree that there are many different mediums we can get ourselves into trouble with (anyone ever updated their FB status after half a bottle of wine? Not a good idea...)

Women need these rules. I'm not saying that we are weak or feeble or anything like that. Quite the opposite. It's just that most women I meet are lovely. Many of us are by nature are nurturing, kind, and polite. Let's face it, there are many men out there who are none of these things. Many of us are also under-confident about our abilities or the way we look. If we go on a date with a guy, believe them to be our soul mate and then they don't call, we sometimes think something bad has happened to him. Or he's having an awful crisis or has lost his phone (poor him). Then we call him, just to check everything is OK or because we don't want to seem rude.

Generally, I would say that women love to chat about themselves and their feelings, hopes and desires. When we really like a guy, many of us tend to open up and try to get emotionally close to him. This leads us to getting hurt by men and may cause you to end up with a situation where  you spend all evening lying on the sofa alone, staring obsessively at you FB page, or sobbing into your pint of wine whilst having the inevitable 'all men are pricks' conversation with your best friend (Why? Why didn't he like me??? He doesn't deserve you, you're way out of his league. Really?? Yes babe now just forget about him, you're too good for him anyway....) obsessively checking your phone and then finally, picking yourself up at the end of another failed attempt at a relationship. We should try to be more like men (although obviously we're cleverer than them - ever watched a man try to get a duvet in a duvet cover?) We should toughen up and play the game to the best of our ability. We have feminine wiles - lets use them!

Now, after reading 'The Rules', I am more likely to think 'Oh well, he was just not that into me.....' and move on. This is, after all, much more likely to be the case than the other scenarios listed above. It's made me a lot more pragmatic and matter of fact about the whole dating process.

'The Rules' are part of my hard shell, an armour that protects me. I don't apply them perfectly all the time and to be honest, my shell is rather thin and easily broken. I know that Hot FB guy was able to manipulate me into revealing more than I should have done (in conversation, I mean, not in a physical sense, if only...!) But after reading 'The Rules', I don't call men and I certainly don't chase them. It also helps that I can act, that even if I'm dying inside I can project a happy front. This is a skill I have deliberately cultivated.

A friend of mine bought 'The Rules' on my recommendation and got very angry because in her opinion, they're sexist. I don't think they are. In fact, 'The Rules' are feminist – you don't wait around for men and you basically put yourself first. I like that idea. However, my favourite bit of 'The Rules' is that you should trust in the abundance of the universe and believe that a man who is crazy about you will come along. It's ultimately optimistic. I believe that... not that 'Mr Right' rubbish but that eventually someone who truly likes me will appear. Someone who will do all the running.